2014 PA State Champion 65+

If your only exposure to cyclocross is the "Alone with a Drone" video, mentally add 25 to 125 other cyclists, a couple miles of crime scene tape marking the course, and on a good day, a lot of mud. In many races, add gorilla suits, tutus and beer, always beer.

There are a dozen or so races in the PA Cyclocoross series (PACX), and one race each year is designated as the PA State Championship. 2014's championship race was in early November at Stoudt's Brewery. I race in the 55+ class, and some of those young whippersnappers are way faster than I could ever hope to be. I was only dimly aware that the race was a state championship. My goal was respectable mediocrity.  The thought of winning anything never crossed my mind.

And! I was racing my singlespeed bike (that's another story) against guys with gears, so I had to carry the bike up the steepest hill five times. I was lapped by the 55+ leaders. Still, I finished 11th out of 25 - above average! B-? At least C++.

I continued to race in November (another story) with similar results: 11 of 17, 18.of 32, 14 of 23, probably C-. I pretty much forgot about Stoudt's. In December, six weeks after the Championship Race, PACX's weekly email casually mentioned that they were planning to get the 55+ riders' ages and come up with retroactive 55-59, 60-64 and 65-69 State Champions. Who knows how old the guys I race are? They all must be older than me; I look the same as I remember from my 20's, but still, I thought I might have a chance for a podium finish, retroactively. Just in case, I began practicing Tour de France Podium Girl air-kisses ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Podium_girl ).

A couple of weeks later, the PACX email had an obscure link in which, way down at the bottom, I discovered that I was the least slow of the 65+ geezers! I am the champion, my friends - now I have to keep fighting 'til the end.

The link was so obscure it's no longer on the site, but trust me, it said "Gold: J2M". I emailed the PACX guy to confirm my discovery and ask whether there was an actual medal. He said "I'm getting a medal and I'll mail it to you" - maybe it was his medal? Whatever - eleven weeks and two days after the race, I had my medal:

That was delayed gratification at its finest.

Self-deprecation notwithstanding, according to USA Cycling's incomprehensible point system, I would be #1 in the country (US) if there were a 68+ class! OMG! What could I achieve if I had gears? Might I dream of a race in which I could raise my arms as I cross the finish line (and probably fall off the bike)? But that's yet another story.